by Kerry Elson
SCENE 1. an activities club near Union Square in Manhattan. KERRY is sitting with MATT at a table that is intimate two.
KERRY : O, Matt of Astoria, exactly just How pleasant to fulfill you here, as of this club, that we selected especially for the unique rendezvous. Plus it is where we meet all my Tinder dates For the very first time Because i will be comforted by routines. Pray tell, hath ye siblings?
MATT : i really do perhaps maybe not understand that last thing about the bar but – Indeed if you meant To tell me! I will explain my older cousin.
Enter BARTENDER .
BARTENDER : we hath seen this girl usually At our establishment but every time she doth speak to another type of brown-haired gentleman, Perchance seeking love or At someone that is least with whom to view Netflix’s GLOW . She constantly orders Bell’s Two Hearted Ale But, lo, we will imagine i actually do perhaps not understand.
Exeunt KERRY , MATT , and BARTENDER .
SCENE 2. the sports that are same. KERRY is sitting with ANDREW during the same dining table for two.
KERRY : God speed, good Andrew of Bushwick! Until our merry chat this eve, I did not understand a great deal about Walking meditation, the keto diet, And Karl Ove Knausgaard. Many thanks For your teachings!
ANDREW : O, it really is my pleasure to describe My hobbies! Shall we now have a round that is second?
Enter BARTENDER .
BARTENDER : Though we anticipate anoth’r purchase of Bells Two Hearted, we won’t say any such thing before the woman states her beverage purchase, for she and I also have tacit understanding.
Flourish. Exeunt KERRY , ANDREW , and BARTENDER .
SCENE 3. The sidewalk ahead of the club. Enter KERRY .
KERRY : (apart) O, with such dread, But at least I can count on The predictable setting of This bar as I approach the bar, I feel a pitter-pat in my heart, For dating fills me! It hath proximity to a lot of subway lines and Ample sitting. But where may be the gentleman? Would he ghost?
Enter BRIAN .
BRIAN : Hark, is it ye? O woman with who we have actually texted? You appear somewhat such as your Profile photo.
KERRY : certainly, it really is we, of Tinder! At last we meet in individual. I’m using my First-date ensemble, that will be a glow top and Pants, but nay, i simply remembered that I didn’t tweeze my brows. Ah well — shall we to your club?
BRIAN : in error you may have stated that component regarding the Brows aloud? We will imagine i did son’t hear. If perhaps we’re able to get in. The lights are dark and it’s also empty. Methinks it really is turn off?
KERRY : Alack! Would it be therefore? I shall approach the home and attempt to open it.
KERRY : But this spot was therefore full whenst I happened to be right here on another date final Tuesday! And tuesdays that are many that, with this is date 500. O, woe!
BRIAN : once more, did you suggest to share with you with me personally That information? I’ll set this red banner apart, like the same band and hath exchanged lively cat GIFs for you and I. Maybe we could alight to some other club in your community?
KERRY : i will be afeared it is really not feasible for i have to stay at my unique dining dining table!
Thunder. KERRY collapses towards the sidewalk. She shudders and foams in the lips. BRIAN calls 911.
Enter CRISIS HEALTH PROFESSIONALS .
CRISIS HEALTH SPECIALISTS : why don’t we secure her To a gurney far from this, The date club that closed Without caution, Before she surely could fulfill a spouse. Whilst we have been right here, Perhaps we may also care for those brows.
BRIAN watches as KERRY is carted away. He flees. Enter GHOST .
GHOST : i will be the ghost with this club. I became doing my nightly float Whenst I o’erheard from the sidewalk a Dating calamity! This girl hath placed forth a effort that is noble satisfy each Tinder guy as of this, a conveniently found activities club. But, in folly, she hath anticipated this location to remain available until her nuptials. E’en if it Would simply simply take years. If perhaps she had examined Yelp ahead of time or attempted to mix it and fulfill times At various venues. And maybe, She has been more flirty At the supermarket.